so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
