The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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