Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
