I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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