She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize