I can tuck mytits in my pants
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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