I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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