just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
