I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
