Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
