Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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