why didn't you poke me back
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
