Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
