Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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