She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
