Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
