One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
