I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
