saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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