I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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