The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
