I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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