i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
