Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
