It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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