There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
