I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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