I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
