Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
