You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
