You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
