walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
