I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
