I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
