Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i love accidental penises.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
