the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
