I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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