hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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