i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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