I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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