Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also, beer. Big fan.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We're too hungover to prance.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
