I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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