Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
