I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
