Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
