The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
