I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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