Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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