then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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