Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
