Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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