sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
