So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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