Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
