Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
