Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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