if i can run in heels then i can drive
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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