You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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