You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
