dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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