Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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