We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
