she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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