i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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