either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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