Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
