My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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