I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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