I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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