No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
