I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
